Stop Acting Like A Victim!

Do you believe that “life happens to me” or that you create your life? Do you find yourself blaming others for your current circumstances.

Chris Gardener, whose inspirational story was portrayed by Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness, had every reason to complain and blame others for his circumstances. But Chris realized something that not enough people truly comprehend: We are 100 percent responsible for our own lives.

Don’t blame other people and circumstances if you don’t have the kind of life you think you deserve. Blaming serves only one purpose — making you feel like a victim. And a victim doesn’t have power over her own life. Someone with a victim mentality thinks life happens to her; she remains helpless. She’s not involved in creating her own experience. She looks at her circumstances and asks, “Why me?” She’ll blame her situation — not having enough money, a dead- end job, an unsupportive spouse, or the demands of children — and use it as her excuse for not pursuing her dreams.

Victims let circumstances determine how they feel. When something happens, their attitude is, “It’s their fault,” “They did this to me,” “I’m going to get them for this!” Well, stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself! When you complain and wallow in self-pity, your focus is on what’s wrong with your life. Think instead about what’s good about your life right now and start living in gratitude for all you have been blessed with! Focus on the positive — not the negative!!

Thoughts are powerful; they can either help you or harm you. You may find yourself in a horrible situation, but it’s not the situation causing your feelings of helplessness and despair; it’s what you think of the situation and how you respond to it. By focusing on the good things and being grateful for the positive aspects of your life, you can face any situation — no matter how devastating — and turn it into one of hope. You are not helpless. You are able to control your thoughts and thus determine the attitude with which you face your circumstances.

Life doesn’t always turn out as you imagined it would. After Suzanne’s husband left her unexpectedly for another woman, she was filled with anger and bitterness. Feeling that her life was over, she sank into a deep depression. One day she realized that her anger was only hurting herself, so she decided to change her attitude. Whenever a negative thought, emotion or memory popped into her head, she would say to herself, “Stop! I’m not letting this control my life any longer! I am choosing to be happy today — no matter what. I am a wonderful person with a lot to offer. I will no longer accept anything into my mind that tears me down.”

Suzanne started seeing herself as a person who chose to be free from the influence of negative thoughts and emotions so she could enjoy life to the fullest. She chose to see herself as a victor — not as a victim.

When change is forced on you by circumstances beyond your control, don’t fall into the temptation to allow bitterness, anger, and fear to control your life. Women especially have a tendency to keep themselves in an angry place by relating an account of what happened over and over and over again in hopes of gaining sympathy. Initially, it may be wise to share your hurt with a close friend or professional counselor to gain perspective on the situation, but too many women beat the story to a pulp. Why? Because they enjoy the attention they receive and confuse attention with love.

If you want to increase your happiness, you have to really want to let go of the pain. So why wouldn’t you? Because letting go of your anger takes away your alibis. You run the risk of failure, confrontation, being wrong, unemployed, left alone, ridiculed or judged by others. Making a change might take effort, money, and time. It might be uncomfortable, difficult, or confusing. And so, to avoid risking any of those uncomfortable feelings and experiences, you stay put and complain about it.

Our beliefs determine our experience. Thoughts like “I’ll never be happy” or “I can never win” will manifest themselves in our lives. T. Harv Eker writes, “When you are complaining, you become a living breathing ‘crap magnet.’”

So what do you want to attract into your life? Are you attracting the kinds of things that you want? If not, it’s time to evaluate whether you’re more comfortable playing the role of a victim than taking responsibility for your life. If your pain is deep or if you have been holding onto it for a long time, you need to get to the point where you are so fed up — so sick and tired of living your life like this — that you’re willing to let it go once and for all.

What changes could you make in your thoughts, words, and attitudes to help you maintain a more victorious approach to life? Write down all the reasons why you want to make a change in your life and how this change will positively impact you. Now, what will your life be like if you don’t make this change? Force yourself to make the distinction between “I can’t” and “I won’t.” Jot down any blocking phrases that might be causing inner conflict. When one appears, simply note it, and replace it with an affirmation such as “I can,” “Life is wonderful,” “It feels great to share my gifts,” “I’m lovable and capable,” or “I have all that I need.” Now you’re changing your self-talk to empowering thoughts instead of disabling ones.

Many women don’t bother making something of their lives because they believe they’re destined to fail. Unfortunately, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to understand that you can only control yourself. You can’t control the weather, other drivers on the road, your kids or spouse, or anything outside of your own beliefs, thoughts, and actions. If other people are the problem, you think you have to change them, but if you take responsibility for your life, then you only have to change you. Society has become so focused on women as victims that we fail to see our choices and options.

An old Chinese proverb reads, “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” Imagine how boring life would be if it was always smooth sailing on the sea of life! Stories would never have a plot because there would never be any challenges to overcome. Adversity spices life up a little! Every hardship or difficulty you encounter refines your character and shapes you inwardly.

You are responsible for the quality of life you lead. You have control over your thoughts, your mental images, and your actions. If you don’t like what you are producing and experiencing, you have to change your responses. Change your attitude, what you daydream about, your habits, what you read, your friends, and how you talk. An honest assessment of your life is the only way to determine any course corrections you might need to make. After all, where you are today is a direct result of the choices you have made in the past. The past, however, does not need to equal the future.

Commit today to stop complaining and start taking 100 percent responsibility for your life!