I know people that are truly “busy” in every sense of the word:

• Business travelers that span continents each week
• Mothers that juggle kids’ doctor appointments, piano lessons, and soccer games
• College students that hold down jobs in addition to a full class load
• And the list goes on…

But how do we benefit ourselves or anyone else by always saying how busy we are?

I think on one hand that we believe it gives us value. We’re busy so we must be doing something with our lives. I also think that perhaps we take pride in the level of “busyness” that we can attain. We subconsciously think to ourselves, “I’m busier than that person, so I must be more important.”

I’m convinced that the majority of us are indeed busy. We’re tired and worn out from trying to accomplish everything on our full plates. But to what advantage? Are we really being productive or do we just get charged up by rattling off everything we have going on in our lives? Are we guided by a singleness of purpose or just doing whatever gets placed before us?

I challenge you to eliminate “I’m busy” from your vocabulary. “Busy” just sounds like unfocused, energy-draining activity that serves no purpose in our life at all. Replace it instead with intentional, laser focused statements about what you’re doing to move closer to your goals. For instance, you are intentionally going to the gym today because physical fitness is important to you, or you’re intentionally going on this business trip because meeting with these people will be pivotal in the success of your company. Even if you’re at your daughter’s volleyball game, know that you’re there because being a supportive parent is one of your goals.

You have a choice. Determine what activities lead you closer to your goals and delegate or eliminate the rest. Bring a halt to the hectic and stressful life that you’ve been living. Be intentional about your commitments. Be able to look back at the end of your day knowing that you’ve used your time wisely. It doesn’t mean anything if you’ve gotten a lot done, but those activities don’t bring you any closer to your goals.

Yes, there are going to be those times when life is crazy! But, by aiming to live intentionally, you will feel much more in control of your days. Knowing your purpose in life is like having a giant sieve that separates the urgent demands on our life from the truly important. It will bring you closer to the rich, rewarding life that you desire.

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

List Number One is a list of the men you’d like to get to know better. If you already have a close bond with one or more men, go ahead and write their names down. Then think about men you have met through work, church, volunteer activities, sporting events, etc that you think would be interesting to get to know better.

Too many married men have the false belief that they don’t need friends because they do everything with their family.” As a wife, I want to be my husband’s best friend, but I don’t want to be his only friend! If you’re guilty of this, you’ve placed way too much pressure on your wife – and your kids.

Men are typically unwilling to get close to other men. They are afraid to let their guard down and allow another man to see their vulnerabilities. They may tell jokes and slap each other on the back after a great golf swing, but really opening up and sharing your hopes and fears with another man is too frightening to imagine. If you haven’t already, start developing your male support system – guys you can call up to play a round of golf with, share a meal with, watch an action movie with, and pour out your heart to when things get tough.

List Number Two is a list of hobbies and pastimes that you’ve either abandoned since the kids came along and your workload got too overwhelming or activities that you’ve always been curious about but never had the time to pursue. Now is the time. Put together your own bucket list of things you’d like to delve into further. My clients have taken cooking classes, art or photography workshops, flying lessons, joined a group of running or bicycling buddies, dance lessons, learned a foreign language, volunteered, and even joined efforts to aid in hurricane relief. If you’re just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, it’s time to get up and do something!

List Number Three is a list of household projects or other ‘to do’ items that need your attention. Have you let the basement or garage go? It’s time to tackle it. If your upstairs bathroom needs painting, go buy some paint. Maybe that’s as far as you get this time, but it beats falling asleep on the couch watching TV. Next time you’re tempted to start a pity-party, go tape off the bathroom and start painting. In the morning, you will have a sense of accomplishment instead of feeling that you wasted yet another evening.

List Number Four is different from the other three; it’s a list of all the things you love based on your five senses. What do you love to look at? Listen to? Taste? Touch? Smell? Perhaps you love the taste of blueberry pie, but it’s been ages since you’ve had a slice. Or maybe you love the touch and smell of leather. Consider getting a leather club chair or a bomber jacket. Find ways to incorporate more of the things you love into your life so that while you’re going through this tough time, you will maintain your gratefulness for each day and the moments that make you still glad to be alive.

Here’s what hundreds of men have indicated were the first signs that their wives were having a midlife crisis:

• She is depressed and withdrawn – she says she is unhappy and feels empty inside
• She is discontent and bored with our marriage – she wants a new life which doesn’t include me
• She is emotionally detached and doesn’t enjoy any of the activities we used to do together
• She says that she loves me but she’s not “in love” with me – she has cut me off emotionally and physically
• She says that she feels a lack of personal fulfillment and is not sure if she wants to be a wife and mother anymore – she thinks about running away
• She says she is “going through something” and wants to “take a break and find herself” – she says she needs time and space to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life
• She wants her freedom and independence – she wants to be on her own and make her own decisions
• She has lost a lot of weight, goes to the gym daily and is obsessive about exercising
• She pays more attention to her appearance, always looking in the mirror, and is very pleased when people tell her she looks ten years younger than she is
• She had a breast augmentation (nose job, tummy tuck, etc.), her teeth capped, and receives botox treatments
• She goes on spending sprees – she bought herself a new, younger looking wardrobe
• She dresses provocatively and acts flirtatious – she is constantly seeking attention from other men
• She had an affair with a co-worker (personal trainer, son’s soccer coach, old flame, guy she met in a bar, etc.)
• She bought a shiny new, red BMW convertible (anything that doesn’t scream “soccer mom”)
• She focuses only on herself and is acting extremely selfish – she says it’s time for her
• She is angry and irritable all the time, and becomes easily agitated over little things
• She is sarcastic with one cut down after another, constantly looking for a fight or argument and sometimes even goes into a violent rage
• She spends her spare time on the computer chatting with guys online
• She goes out drinking with younger, single friends/co-workers after work and stays out all hours of the night
• She started living like she was single again – separate vacations, rock concerts, going out to clubs and bars – anything to avoid being at home in the evening
• She is acting like a teenager!

Does any of this sound familiar? Then your wife may very well be experiencing a midlife crisis. Hold on for the ride of your life!

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

Growth and change are part of life. Consider the lobster – they must shed their shell in order to grow!

When it is in warm water and the conditions are right, the lobster begins to literally shrink as it expels seawater and the old shell begins to split in half where the main body meets the tail, and it crawls out. After going through this grueling process, it emerges with a new soft shell and it is forced to stay in hiding for a week or two until the new shell is fortified against predators.

Just as there are many factors that control when a lobster will molt (water temperature, food supply, salinity, availability of shelter, and the depth of water), there are also many factors that determine when a woman will begin to experience the transition into midlife. For some, it’s an empty nest, an unfaithful husband, or a life-threatening illness. For others, it’s being downsized at work, the loss of a parent, or a profound sense of emptiness. At midlife, in the warm waters of confusion and uncertainty, things begin to change rapidly.

About the time you think your development is coming to an end, you find yourself embarking on a totally unexpected journey of growth and change. Although a normal part of maturing, midlife represents distinctive adjustments for women:

• Losing your sense of purpose – feeling perplexed about the meaning of your life
• Shifting parental responsibilities as children are launched or need less attention
• Awareness that you’re beginning to show signs of aging
• Concern about approaching menopause and how it will affect your life
• Behaving completely out-of-character – feeling like a stranger to yourself
• Bewilderment over a “crush” you’ve developed on someone not even your type
• Neglected talents demanding to be expressed – dreams and desires reemerging
• Boredom with activities that previously held great interest and dominated your life
• Caring for aging parents – discovering the roles are suddenly reversed
• Biological clock ticking – wondering if it’s too late to start a family
• Questioning the accuracy of assumptions made years ago about God and faith

Midlife requires us to shed our old modes of thinking and to adopt new methodologies and paradigms in order to understand the changing life circumstances surrounding us. We must understand, act, and adapt to the changes. We must comprehend the changes so that we, as women, can be prepared to embrace this new life. To ignore and refuse to adapt to the paradigm shift results in lost opportunities and wasted resources.

Like the lobster, we must also leave our comfort zones – the familiarity of our old roles, attitudes, and ways of doing things – to try new things. It’s a matter of shedding the old, comfortable shell and emerging as someone who is at first vulnerable, a little uncertain, and maybe even still dealing with the pain experienced during the molting process.

Transition, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is “a passage from one stage to another, whether gradual or abrupt.” Transition by its very nature involves change, and change can be difficult. Change, even by choice, turns the familiar into the unfamiliar, resulting in feelings of fear and inadequacy as you enter unknown territory.

Midlife is a time for reevaluation and not just moving from one year to the next. If you use midlife as a time for readjusting your focus and a chance to start afresh, you’ll reduce the apprehension that comes with passing forty and open your eyes to the opportunities that await you.

Maybe it’s a new career, a new relationship, or a renewed interest in an old hobby. It might be the time to finally get involved in the non-profit project that has always tugged at your heartstrings. For some, it’s the time and resources to attend college and earn a degree. For others, it means taking the time to get into the physical condition that will support you during your later years. Maybe you’ve always wanted to travel, or speak, or write a book. Maybe your heart’s desire is to teach, or paint, or raise llamas!

But you can’t get to this new awareness – this new vision for what your life can be – until you do the important internal work necessary in preparation for the molting of the shell that has transported you this far in your journey. And just as the lobster goes into hiding for a period of time, it’s also necessary for the woman in a midlife transition to spend some time alone, to reflect and renew until she completes her transition and is emotionally strong enough to face the outside world again. Give yourself this time! Don’t be scared of it, ashamed of it, or try to deny it. This is important work that you have to do! Acknowledge it and embrace this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Read, journal, pray. This is YOUR time!

Just as growth and molting are an important part of the development of the lobster, so it is with us! Without molting, the old shell would become the lobster’s coffin. Without personal development and growth – and the inevitable shedding of what no longer works for us – we, too, would eventually suffocate and die. Instead, this is your time to break out of your shell and be the woman you were meant to be!

My experience working with left-behind spouses is that it’s healthy to take a year or more off from relationships. Being with another woman may be immediately gratifying, but it doesn’t allow you to heal. You need time to process what’s happened, learn from it, and grow as an individual before you get involved in another romantic relationship. Jerry McGuire sold everyone a bill of goods with the classic quote, “You complete me.” We’re not supposed to complete each other; we’re supposed to be emotionally healthy, whole individuals that complement one another.

Seeing you with another woman may very well make your wife jealous, but at whose expense? I hear men say that they just want to casually date and not get serious right away. Okay, but what about the emotions of the women they are so casually taking to dinner? Do they matter? Or are they merely a pawn in your relationship game?

On the other hand, maybe the woman you had drinks with last night isn’t really divorced, but just out ‘looking’ so that she has her safety net in place when she’s ready to jump herself. Or maybe she’s already escaped from her marriage only to discover the pool of desirable (and available) men out there is very small. She is showering you with affection – to which you are very open – but suddenly you’re being introduced to her kids, her parents, her girlfriends and she’s planning your weekends. You’re caught in a serious relationship before you are ready. When you try to pull away, you discover that all this attention comes at a price. The recently left-behind spouse has no idea what a vulnerable position he is in.

Don’t forget the possibility that you and your wife might reconcile. I’ve lost count of the number of my clients whose wives decided to stop the divorce less than a week before the final court date. When you add to it the number of women that change their minds about the marriage within the first year after a divorce, there’s a fairly good probability that your wife will want to reconcile. But what if you’re already in a serious relationship with someone else? It happens – a lot.

And what about your children? If your wife has been seeing someone else, your children really need you right now to be the stable influence in their life while their mother searches for her identity. I’m not saying you should never date again, but consider your motivation for dating. Is it because you’re lonely and miserable and want someone to take the pain away? Or is it because you’ve worked through your grief, accepted it, and are ready to share your life with someone else because it’s so full and you have so much to give?

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

How about you? Do you wish you’d gone to college? Do you regret not taking that trip to Italy that you’ve always dreamed about? Do you lament the words you said to your spouse before walking out the door this morning? It’s not too late!

Action Steps:

1. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. It’s easy to beat yourself up and use your failures as an excuse for not picking yourself up and moving on. It’s much harder to admit your weaknesses and face your fears head on. But as long as you live in the past, you’re denying yourself the future that could be yours.

1. Reach out and ask for help. We can’t always do things on our own; sometimes we need help – from a trustworthy friend or maybe even a counselor or a coach. Don’t be afraid to let someone else into your life. It may be the key you need to unlock what’s blocking you from being successful.

1. Let go of the need to do it perfectly. You don’t write the book because it’s not perfect. You don’t take the class because you’re afraid you’ll look foolish. You don’t stay on a healthy diet and exercise regime because you tell yourself it’s not worth it if you can’t follow it exactly. Lies we tell ourselves because we believe the old adage which says, “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.” Instead try, “Anything worth doing is worth getting started on!”

1. Stay focused. We allow ourselves to get distracted so easily – a TV show, Facebook, indulging a sweet tooth, the excitement of someone other than your spouse paying attention to you or the rush from a day at the mall using charge cards you can’t afford to pay. What keeps distracts you from taking the next action toward accomplishing your goals?

1. Pick yourself up and get back on track. Find a small task you can accomplish right now – clean out a junk drawer, fold a load of laundry, write your report, balance your checkbook, schedule a dentist appointment, or even make your bed! The momentum you experience should propel you to the next small task and then the next. By the end of the day, you will have a whole list of accomplishments. With this success behind you, you’ll now have the confidence and enthusiasm to tackle bigger challenges tomorrow!

Take action now. Don’t put it off any longer. By simply carving out time in your schedule every day to invest in yourself, you will move steadily closer to your goals and the life you want for yourself. It’s not too late!

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

How do these women turn their dreams into reality? A life coach. Since the early 1990′s, life coaches have been supporting clients through transitional phases – changing careers, expanding a business, relocating, tackling projects, creating work-life balance – and achieving specific personal or career goals.

“A coach helps clients strive for and accomplish more than they would have done on their own,” says Leslie Fiorenzo, a business coach and owner of Invest In People LLC. “We provide the tools, support, and structure so they can produce quicker results.”

Unlike psychologists, therapists, or counselors, who focus on past issues, emotional trauma or abuse, a coach is focused on outcome. A coach will hold you accountable to your goals and keep you on track.

“Coaches provide a fresh viewpoint and reinforce the belief that the client can accomplish their goals,” says Yvonne Prowant whose business Intentional Leadership LLC offers strategic planning and time management training. “It’s like having someone in your corner, cheering you on.”

Coaching is typically done over the telephone with email support, but it can also be offered in person one-on-one or in a small group setting. Some coaches provide a set “curriculum” of materials that include extensive and professionally produced assessments while others have developed their own materials based on individual client need.

When looking for a coach, it’s important to find someone that you connect with and feel comfortable with, someone that you trust and believe instinctively understands your unique situation and goals. Interview several until you find one that is the right fit for you.

Coaching relationships can last for a few months or a year or more, depending on your needs. Most coaches, however, are eager to help you achieve your goals and not keep you dependent on them. You can expect to pay anywhere from $300 per month for weekly or bi-weekly sessions to several thousand dollars for a pre-designed package that includes a course curriculum and support materials.

To attain the highest benefit from working with a coach, be prepared to work hard and be fully committed to the process. “If you have the courage to be honest in your self-exploration and communications with your coach,” says Fiorenzo, “you’ll be amazed at the extraordinary life you’ll create by achieving goals that are meaningful and significant for you.”

Action Steps:

1. Ask your friends and colleagues who they have worked with in a coaching relationship. What did they like or dislike about working with this individual? Would they recommend them to you? If so, what is this particular coach’s specialty?
2. Is there a friend who you trust that would be willing to meet with you weekly or bi-weekly in a coaching relationship? (You can coach each other!) This must be someone who will ask you the tough questions – compelling, thought-provoking questions that guide you to your own solutions – and hold you accountable to your goals. Select someone with similar drive and ambition to yours. While it’s not necessary for this person to have the same goal as yours, a commitment to the process is crucial.
3. Form a “mastermind group” with other women who are on a similar path as yours. Set up a schedule and plan to meet together regularly to brainstorm about specific issues. Before each session, be clear about what you hope to accomplish and give everyone an opportunity to share and receive feedback.

No matter which of these options you choose, surround yourself with people who will remind you that you’re capable and encourage you to “go for it.”

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

If it wasn’t your decision to be single (your husband died or decided to leave), go ahead and allow yourself to grieve. Confide in a trusted friend with whom you can share your fears of being alone. Work out the anger and bitterness, but don’t live in the past. If you try to hang onto what was, you’ll miss out on the miracles that are happening in your life now.

Eating lunch with my friend Rachel yesterday, I was reminded of what rich and fulfilling lives many of my single friends experience. Just as with marriage, singleness comes with its share of challenges too. But you also have the freedom to explore and grow. Embrace it! Here are a few tips I’ve picked up from my single friends along the way.

Action Steps:

1. List all of the advantages of being single. For instance, you have the freedom to decorate your home to fit your personality and you can pick up and take off for an impromptu weekend trip with a friend. Make as long a list as you possibly can!
2. Plan an overnight trip within a couple of hours of home, yet far enough away that you have to find your way around an unfamiliar place. Several women have shared with me how scary it was to stay in a hotel room alone for the first time. Eat out. Take time to explore. Face your fears now so that you are prepared for new situations. If you want to really challenge yourself, sign up for an all woman adventure travel vacation. For more information, check out www.adventuresingoodcompany.com.
3. List at least five accomplishments – no matter how insignificant they may seem – that you’ve been able to do on your own. Maybe it was figuring out how to run the lawn mower or change the oil in your car. How about going to a matinee by yourself? Or maybe you threw a dinner party. Whatever it is, pat yourself on the back and keep track of all the big and small ways that you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone and done something new.
4. Reach out to other people – both single and married. Invite a few people to dinner. Join a club where you share the same interests and see the same people on a regular basis. Make a variety of different friends. For instance, make friends with people that like to be active and go bike riding as well as those that are particularly good listeners. You might want to include people that enjoy the theatre and those that would prefer a quiet evening playing cards. Surround yourself with friends – both men and women – that bring out the best in you!
5. Make a list of all the things that you’d like to see and do. Next time you’re feeling lonely, make a date with yourself to try one of these activities.
6. Schedule yourself for a massage. This non-sexual form of touch is not only healthy for you, but it feels great too!
7. Don’t wear “any old thing” to bed. Go out and buy yourself a luxurious negligee. In fact, purchase some high thread-count sheets and a down comforter to sink into at night as well. Light some candles and play relaxing music. It doesn’t matter if no one else is around to share it with you. You deserve to pamper yourself!
8. Immerse yourself in a creative pursuit. Continue to learn and try new things. Get your pilot’s license. Learn to play the guitar. Study a foreign language. Take up rock climbing, or kayaking, or gardening. Buy a camera and set up your own darkroom. Pick up some oil paints or learn how to quilt. Volunteer for a Habitat for Humanity project and learn some new skills while giving back to the community. One gal started rollerblading after her divorce and not only found an activity that worked off some stress, but some extra pounds as well.

When you are visualizing your future, see yourself leading an exciting life with rich, rewarding relationships. Don’t wait for happiness to come to you. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you’re living a temporary life until you get married again, but you must resist the temptation to put your life on hold. Go out and create a life that brings you deep joy and contentment. Whether married or single, your happiness does not depend on another person. Other people enrich our lives, but our happiness is up to us. How you view your life will make all the difference in the world.

Copyright ©2011 Path Partners.com

Have you ever seen the movie The Runaway Bride starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere?

Roberts plays Maggie Carpenter, a small-town woman who drops out of college to help run the family hardware store when her mother dies and her dad is drowning his grief in a bottle. She catches the attention of USA Today columnist Ike Graham (played by Gere) who writes a scathing expose of her penchant for leaving men at the altar.

First there was Gill, the hippy auto mechanic and Grateful Dead fan who took Maggie to rock concerts; they supposedly got matching rose tattoos, but he later discovers that hers was a fake. Next was Brian, who pursued priesthood after he was left at the altar. After Brian came George, an entomologist studying the reproductive and migrating patterns of locusts. And when Ike discovers Maggie, she’s engaged to the local high school football coach, Bob, who plans on taking Maggie trekking Anapurna in Nepal for their honeymoon.

But Ike is the only one who really sees Maggie for who she is – a woman that doesn’t have a mind of her own. In fact, he asks each of her former fiances how Maggie likes her eggs. With the “Deadhead,” it is “fried – just like me.” With the priest, it is “scrambled with salt, pepper and dill – just like me.” With the entomologist, it is “poached – just like me.” And with Bob, it is “garden omelet, egg whites only – just like me.”

Like so many women, Maggie is anxious to please the man in her life and quickly adapts her interests and likes/dislikes to his own. In fact, with each man she did everything to convince him that she was exactly who he wanted her to be. She “ran away” at the altar because she instinctively knew that she was going to lose her own identity in the relationship. Even when she ends up falling in love with Ike, she leaves him at the altar too because she still hadn’t found herself yet.

Maggie has the advantage of figuring this out before being pronounced man and wife. Too many of us at midlife realize that we checked our identities at the altar and have no idea who we are. We’ve spent a lifetime pleasing our husbands and children and never took the time to figure out how we like our eggs (figuratively of course). The instinct that Maggie had to bolt is the same instinct that causes many midlife wives to want to bolt as well. The only problem is that we’ve already said, “I do,” and leave confused husbands and crushed children in our wake.

What Maggie finally did is take some time for some real soul searching. She tapped into that part of her that she’d been ignoring and figured out that she liked creating artwork out of functional items like electrical sockets. It’s not as important what she created as it is that she finally found a way to express herself. She also experimented with all different egg recipes and discovered that she likes her eggs prepared Eggs Benedict. Most importantly, she realized that Ike was truly Mr. Right, but as her best friend put it, “you just need to get the rest of your ducks in a row.”

When Maggie finally took the time to find her own identity, her own personal preferences, and her own God-given gifts and talents and how to best express them, she was finally ready to commit to a relationship with a man that she mutually trusted, respected, and loved deeply.

What about you? Are you running away (or wistfully thinking about running away) because you truly aren’t in love – or is it because you’ve never taken time to find out how you like your eggs? I encourage you to do some soul searching of your own and then you will be ready to commit (or re-commit) to your relationship.