Every week I receive emails from concerned and sometimes distraught husbands who want to know what to do with their once sweet, loving wives who seem to have suddenly morphed into someone they hardly recognize. They’re trying to save their marriages and I want to help. In fact, I wrote an ebook called, “How to Survive Your Wife’s Midlife Crisis!” 
Following is a response to one gentleman’s request for more information and insight into what he has been experiencing with his wife:
Dear Distressed and Confused,
You’ve already read Bring It On! so you know that I compare the midlife transition to the transition that we go through as we move from childhood to young adulthood. We go through a similar type of identity crisis, trying to figure out who we want to be for the rest of our lives. It makes us moody. We’re uncertain about choices that we’ve made in the past and choices still to be made. We’re discontent as we’re sorting out our lives and all the possibilities.
We experience changing roles as our children are becoming more independent and moving on to lives of their own and our parents are suddenly like children now needing our care. Our bodies are changing and the hormonal changes are contributing to constant moodiness and changes in sex drive. (A lot of women find themselves suddenly thinking about sex all the time and fantasizing about people and situations that they never would have given thought to in the past.)
We have concerns about our own aging as we deal with the reality of our parents’ illness or death. We start asking, “Is this all there is?” and strongly believe that there’s more out there for us and don’t want to miss out on the life that could be ours. As a result, we sometimes make rash decisions without thinking things through all the way and end up discarding relationships, careers, and other parts of our life that we later regret. Unlike adolescence, we’re often dealing with emotional baggage that we realize we have to let go of if we’re ever going to experience the kind of life that we truly desire.
Men have been going through classic midlife crisis for years. Ours is the first generation where women have the freedom and the voice to acknowledge and express their own feelings and discontentment. It’s a mixed blessing.
With freedom comes responsibility. We’ve earned our “rights” but now we need to use them wisely. Most women eventually do. Some end up making irrevocable changes they later bemoan. Overall, it’s my belief that women make constructive use of this time in their lives. They use it in a positive way to change their perspective, carve out stimulating careers, and gratifying relationships. They use their freedom to transform into the women they were meant to be and not someone else’s idea of who they should be. When put to the test, most women are emotionally strong, creative, intelligent, human beings that discover the best about themselves and use it to help others.
Let me caution you however that this transition isn’t going to be complete overnight. In fact, it could take several years! Be patient. I know that can be very hard to do sometimes when your wife may be acting irrationally and completely out-of-character, but she needs you right now (whether she knows it or not). This time is not about you. It’s about the difficult task of trying to support her even when she may be rejecting you.
My heart goes out to guys in your situation. It truly does. But I can tell you from my own personal experience that the husband’s attitude can make all the difference in the world between whether you’re experiencing a more blissful marriage than you ever dreamed possible in a few years or whether you’re divorced and still scratching your head and wondering what happened.
What not to do? Don’t get angry and verbally attack her right now. This isn’t about you. One thing you should never tolerate, however, is unfaithfulness. I don’t know if this is an issue in your particular situation, but I mention it because it frequently comes up. Men ask if they should patiently stand by while their wife has an affair. Absolutely not! When this happens, I tell husbands to lovingly, yet firmly confront their wives and say, “I love you. I’m willing to forgive you and do my part to put our marriage back together, but I absolutely will not share you with another man. You have to choose.” Most women that are married to “nice guys” will see the light and choose their husbands, but even then it’s not easy. She has to agree NEVER to see the other individual again! Depending on how deep the emotional connection went, it will take some time for her to grieve the loss of the other relationship and put her focus and efforts back on rebuilding the life she has with you.
Most women act incredibly selfish during their midlife crisis. That’s because they’re totally consumed with themselves and the task of sorting out their life while continuing to balance the responsibilities of family, work, and other commitments. Some women can’t take the strain and end up walking out on their other responsibilities while they do the important work of figuring out who they are and what they want to do with the rest of their lives. This is not a good thing and can have devastating effects on those around them, but it does happen.
Many women become totally consumed with their appearance and spend hours at the gym or the salon trying to hang on to their youth. Don’t get me wrong! Exercise, good nutrition, and plenty of sleep are healthy lifestyle changes that many women need to make. Giving themselves permission to pamper themselves at a salon or spa is something many women have been denying themselves for way too long. I’m talking about an excessive attention to these areas. For most women, it’s like a pendulum and they eventually find a happy medium.
Understand that whatever symptoms your wife might be exhibiting, the underlying theme is the same for all women: “Who am I? What have I done thus far with my life? What changes do I need to make to create the life I truly want?” Love her. Give her space. Support her. Don’t try to figure it out for her. It’s a dance. This time she’s leading and you’re trying to follow. Eventually you’ll fall into a rhythm and you’ll be celebrating each others uniqueness while sharing your lives together. No matter what you may be going through now, there is hope!
One more thing – find a support system for yourself. You can’t be strong for your wife unless you have some close (male) friends to confide in. Maybe it’s family, maybe it’s a buddy, but make sure it’s someone that’s going to support you in being there for your wife and not telling you to demand your rights and needs be met. Although tempting, that kind of attitude will land you right in divorce court. Most women at midlife don’t need any excuse for ending a relationship. Don’t help by giving her one! Continue to develop your own interests and use this time for exploring your own life as well. You’ll both come out on the other side much richer and better off for it.
Best wishes,
Christine
Path Partners
What if the wife is in denial about the affair, that it’s “just friends”? What does the husband do? Give it time to see where it goes?
Brian, that’s a lie that a lot of women use to deceive themselves that what they’re doing isn’t cheating because they haven’t had sex with the other person. Shirley Glass addressed this in her excellent book “Not Just Friends” and I highly recommend you read it. The fact is that if a married woman is regularly talking, texting, or spending time with any man outside the work environment that isn’t a friend of her husbands, it is an inappropriate relationship.
There was an interesting study done on a college campus where they interviewed female students and asked them if men and women could be friends. They all said absolutely. Then they interviewed the male students who all admitted that they would have a physical relationship with their “female friend” if they could. I honestly believe that many women don’t understand this the way men do.
However, a physical or emotional affair is just a distraction and not the real underlying problem if your wife is going through a MLC. Keep this in mind as you go forward.
My wife is going through a MLC. We have identified that she is going through this and it manifested itself in all the ways described above including an emotional affair. I drew a line in the sand that asked for a divorce after reading some of the things that they were saying to each other. She contested for months that they were just friends but I knew it was more than that. After being confronted she chose me and our marriage and has been going to therapy. 3 sessions in and her therapist is recommending that she should be welcoming to a friendship with this person. The therapist says that it will help address some issues so that she knows how to deal with these types of challenges in the future should another man show interest in her down the road. I am floored that the therapist would recommend this. And the fact that she seems so willing to buy in to it is more hurtful. When I expressed my feelings that I disagreed she exploded and said that she is never going to therapy again. She says she doesn’t see the point in it if I am just going to disagree with everything the therapist says to do.
Ryan, I am totally with you on this one! I am appalled that a therapist would recommend something so unhealthy and harmful to the marriage. The only thing she needs to realize should another man show interest in her is that she is unavailable to pursue a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. It is both dangerous and destructive to entertain this type of relationship — even if “just” an emotional one. If a woman is sharing things with another man (thoughts, feelings, etc) that are meant for the intimate friendship found in a marriage, she is being unfaithful and violating the trust that should exist between a husband and wife. Hold your ground on this. She can make whatever choices she wants to make (even bad choices) but she can’t have it both ways. Have zero tolerance for this kind of “friendship” with someone of the opposite gender!
Christine, thanks for the article, I am going through exactly what you have described. My wife leaves on the weekends and stays with a single aunt. I am heartbroken, I do love her dearly. She says that some of the things I have done, not helping around the house, not helping with the kids, (15 and 16) have all culminated in her not be attracted or in love with me anymore. When I read an article like this I have some more hope that if I just stick with it I can have my partner back. We are both forty five, soon to be forty six, and married twenty soon to be twenty one years. I also would love to show her articles like this, but have learned early on that it is not her it’s me and she doesn’t want to hear my take on the whole thing. Thanks again.
This has been extremely helpful. Recently my wife said she no longer has the feelings of desire for me. She says I am everything any woman would want and that she feels bad for tell me of her lack of desire. She is 43 and I am 48. married for 10 years (2nd for both of us). She is a teacher under paperwork stress, and our families financial situation has suffered recently. MLC as a result of all this stress is most whay I am guess after reading the blog. Patience and support will be what I need to provide, and hope that we get through this in one piece with a better understand for each other.
Thanks for the great blog and insight.